This lonely place…

Found out today Dave’s sister is pregnant again, sigh! So many people having babies all around me, I am talking in the 2o’s of people just in my family and friends circle. It crushes my heart more and more, sometimes it just feels like I am the only one who doesn’t actually get a baby in the end. I know that is not the case, I met lotsa momma’s online, but I am the only one in my extended, in person circle, and that feels very alone.

We started a loss support group at the IWK, we met another couple who’s died in womb at full term. I don’t know their whole story yet, will find out Wednesday, oh its so sad, that momma was like me, crying to hard to talk about him, the dad’s had to do the talking, imagine how hard it will be Wednesday when we tell our whole story. *Bawl* Thinking of Evan so much these days, we are spending so much time outside enjoying the sun and spring and he was supposed to be with us, like all the other parents with their babies, in his snugglie on my chest, walking outside. I miss him so much, these unfulfilled pre-memories just kill me inside.

 

Torn Spiritually

Beltane is the day after tomorrow, used to be a major sabbat for me, I used to look forward to it all year as the time to celebrate the awakening of the earth. Back in Toronto we used to wake up before the sun and make our way to High Park to watch the Morris Dancer’s dance up the sun, then we would all go for a big greasy breakfast followed by a lovely afternoon nap. Since Evan died, my faith in God and my desire to do anything remotely spiritual has just died off, I am so hurt and devastated and bitter that it makes it hard for me to feel ok with his death, or ok with the God’s decision to do this to me. It’s hard, when I see the buds on the tree’s about to pop open with life, I just think of my own empty womb and deceased son. I miss him so much it hurts.

Oh well, Beltane falls on a Thursday this year anyways and I will be facilitating a workshop from 9am-4pm that day so I couldn’t the dancers and breakfast thing anyhow. I don’t think we even have Morris dancers here in Halifax which is ironic being the size of the British and Celtic population.

 

Just an update…

Ended up ovulating the day after I wrote the last post, and am now on my second period since little Evan passed away. *Bawl* I miss Evan, miss you sooooooooooo much little one.

So much sad. Sad won’t stop.

We had our first appointment with the reproductive mental health clinic I waited 3 months to get..they basically told me I am doing very well and they don’t feel they will be of much use to me, as I am mourning in a healthy way. As they say, only time can heal my wounds, not therapy…..and so they reffered me for grief counselling and the loss support group.  Not crazy enough for therapy girl..I must be so strong, oh my! Whatever, I don’t freaking want to be strong, I am sick of being strong, I am sick of being dealt bullshit hand after bullshit hand. I just want my baby back please.

Learning to drive is hard and stressful, having your husband as your teacher is not an easy feat either, but I am getting a bit better each time. I am so scared and fearful.

 

Taking Charge of my Fertility?

 have absolutly no clue what is happening with my menstral cycle, I started using Fertility Friend again just to keep track and use for birth control right now. I started charting as soon as I got my period while in Cuba, it has been 22 days since then and no sign of ovulation yet. Temperature all over the map. My CM changes throughout the cycle, although no sign of EWCM yet either..Before Evan I used to ovulate between days 19-21. I expect it will take a few cycles to get everything back on track but I am just keeping and eye for now. Not considering trying to conceive until mid-late summer anyhow so no real rush. Side’s we still dont know a damn thing about Evan’s cause of death. sigh!!

 

Baby-Less Moi!

Having a REALLY tough time lately, have been dreaming about Evan alot. Just seems like babies are everywhere, 5 of us were pregnant at work, all have had their babies since and mine was the only one who didn’t make it. One of my best friends is due to be induced on Wednesday and I just found out another friend is pregnant. Yesterday I was at the farmers market with my husband and there were all these daddies with little tiny babies strapped to them in various baby carriers. I had so many dreams of doing that same thing with Evan, in fact I even have 3 different styles of baby carriers I intended to carry him around in. Sigh! Its all so depressing, so very very depressing. I want to hold a baby so badly, I just need a baby. Like I said when I was in the hospital after he died, and I can say again and again, I have a new level of understanding with those women who steal babies from the hospital nurseries, of course I would never do that cause I know how much it would hurt another mom somewhere, and well I am sane, but I understand. There is such an overwhelming powerful need to hold a baby in your arms, to feel them close to you, and we have nothing, left with empty arms and a broken heart soft and saggy breasts and tummy to just go on living life like we were not pregnant at all. Just over 2 months since my baby was born still at full term plus and we still dont know how or why and the pain is still so raw.