This lonely place…

Found out today Dave’s sister is pregnant again, sigh! So many people having babies all around me, I am talking in the 2o’s of people just in my family and friends circle. It crushes my heart more and more, sometimes it just feels like I am the only one who doesn’t actually get a baby in the end. I know that is not the case, I met lotsa momma’s online, but I am the only one in my extended, in person circle, and that feels very alone.

We started a loss support group at the IWK, we met another couple who’s died in womb at full term. I don’t know their whole story yet, will find out Wednesday, oh its so sad, that momma was like me, crying to hard to talk about him, the dad’s had to do the talking, imagine how hard it will be Wednesday when we tell our whole story. *Bawl* Thinking of Evan so much these days, we are spending so much time outside enjoying the sun and spring and he was supposed to be with us, like all the other parents with their babies, in his snugglie on my chest, walking outside. I miss him so much, these unfulfilled pre-memories just kill me inside.

 

Just an update…

Ended up ovulating the day after I wrote the last post, and am now on my second period since little Evan passed away. *Bawl* I miss Evan, miss you sooooooooooo much little one.

So much sad. Sad won’t stop.

We had our first appointment with the reproductive mental health clinic I waited 3 months to get..they basically told me I am doing very well and they don’t feel they will be of much use to me, as I am mourning in a healthy way. As they say, only time can heal my wounds, not therapy…..and so they reffered me for grief counselling and the loss support group.  Not crazy enough for therapy girl..I must be so strong, oh my! Whatever, I don’t freaking want to be strong, I am sick of being strong, I am sick of being dealt bullshit hand after bullshit hand. I just want my baby back please.

Learning to drive is hard and stressful, having your husband as your teacher is not an easy feat either, but I am getting a bit better each time. I am so scared and fearful.

 

Baby-Less Moi!

Having a REALLY tough time lately, have been dreaming about Evan alot. Just seems like babies are everywhere, 5 of us were pregnant at work, all have had their babies since and mine was the only one who didn’t make it. One of my best friends is due to be induced on Wednesday and I just found out another friend is pregnant. Yesterday I was at the farmers market with my husband and there were all these daddies with little tiny babies strapped to them in various baby carriers. I had so many dreams of doing that same thing with Evan, in fact I even have 3 different styles of baby carriers I intended to carry him around in. Sigh! Its all so depressing, so very very depressing. I want to hold a baby so badly, I just need a baby. Like I said when I was in the hospital after he died, and I can say again and again, I have a new level of understanding with those women who steal babies from the hospital nurseries, of course I would never do that cause I know how much it would hurt another mom somewhere, and well I am sane, but I understand. There is such an overwhelming powerful need to hold a baby in your arms, to feel them close to you, and we have nothing, left with empty arms and a broken heart soft and saggy breasts and tummy to just go on living life like we were not pregnant at all. Just over 2 months since my baby was born still at full term plus and we still dont know how or why and the pain is still so raw.

 

Those days..

Its just been one of those days. Sometimes no matter how silly, you just can’t fully shake a bad dream. I am so depressed today and just in disbelief that my life has ended up were it is today. I am supposed to be cuddling my baby now, not playing virtual Scramble.

 

Stupid Weather

I hate how the weather has such a direct impact on my mood. Today it’s overcast and I am feeling really depressed. On sunny day’s the world just seems so much easier to face. I want a hot bath and a glass of Merlot, that would surely help a little. I know realistically that nothing really helps truly. but some thing can numb my pain for a short while and that is what makes life bearable right now.

The nightmares also dont help the mood..for more on that read my livejournal here