Cord

The Cord
We are connected
My child and I, by
An invisible cord
Not seen by the eye.

Its not like the cord
That connects us at birth.
This cord can’t be seen
By any on earth.

This cord does its work
right from the start.
It binds us together
Attached to my heart.

I know that it’s there
Though no one can see
This invisible cord
From my child to me.

The strength of this cord
It’s hard to describe
It can’t be destroyed
It can’t be denied.

It’s stronger then any cord
Man could create.
It withstands the test
Can hold any weight.

And though you are gone
And your not here with me
The cord is still there
But no one can see.
It pulls at my heart
I am bruised, I am sore.
But this cord is my lifeline
As never before.

I’m thankful that God
Connects us this way
A mother and child
Death can’t take it away!

 

Baby-Less Moi!

Having a REALLY tough time lately, have been dreaming about Evan alot. Just seems like babies are everywhere, 5 of us were pregnant at work, all have had their babies since and mine was the only one who didn’t make it. One of my best friends is due to be induced on Wednesday and I just found out another friend is pregnant. Yesterday I was at the farmers market with my husband and there were all these daddies with little tiny babies strapped to them in various baby carriers. I had so many dreams of doing that same thing with Evan, in fact I even have 3 different styles of baby carriers I intended to carry him around in. Sigh! Its all so depressing, so very very depressing. I want to hold a baby so badly, I just need a baby. Like I said when I was in the hospital after he died, and I can say again and again, I have a new level of understanding with those women who steal babies from the hospital nurseries, of course I would never do that cause I know how much it would hurt another mom somewhere, and well I am sane, but I understand. There is such an overwhelming powerful need to hold a baby in your arms, to feel them close to you, and we have nothing, left with empty arms and a broken heart soft and saggy breasts and tummy to just go on living life like we were not pregnant at all. Just over 2 months since my baby was born still at full term plus and we still dont know how or why and the pain is still so raw.

 

Those days..

Its just been one of those days. Sometimes no matter how silly, you just can’t fully shake a bad dream. I am so depressed today and just in disbelief that my life has ended up were it is today. I am supposed to be cuddling my baby now, not playing virtual Scramble.

 

Stupid Weather

I hate how the weather has such a direct impact on my mood. Today it’s overcast and I am feeling really depressed. On sunny day’s the world just seems so much easier to face. I want a hot bath and a glass of Merlot, that would surely help a little. I know realistically that nothing really helps truly. but some thing can numb my pain for a short while and that is what makes life bearable right now.

The nightmares also dont help the mood..for more on that read my livejournal here