Good Fortune?

My momma went to see a local psychic lady tonight, she had heard from co-workers that this lady was amazing. The first thing the lady said to her, before she said a word was your daughter is going to be fine. She is going to have another baby and both of them will be fine. My mom said she was taken aback because she does not know this lady and did not mention me at all. She then went on to get my mom’s entire current reality down pat, right down to saying my Step Dad ( I call him my dad, cause he has been my entire life, my biological dad was absentee and died several years ago). who just left her high and dry, is very depressed, he knows he made the wrong decision but he also knows he can’t go back and he can’t find happiness anywhere. That the new guy courting my mom is madly in love with her and intends to stick around for the long haul. Also that my mom is a very sad and lonely women in her core, that she feels so alone in the world and that she can’t rely on anyone but herself. (It’s true, she has had it worse then me I think, or at least equals in the bad things magnet department) She is the sweetest most caring person I know, she is beautiful, she deserves to be loved, but she keeps being betrayed. My dad left her with two small kids when we were 2 and 4, then she met my stepdad when I was 6, 6 years later then I was 12 they got married, 20 years later he leaves her for another women. A women who’s only flaw is being to good to her men, putting her own needs and wants in second place. The new guy I approve of, he is very caring and sweet to her, it’s about time, she has earned it.

My whole damn family deserved a turn of good karma. We tragic few, betrayed by the world, our innocence ripped away, we suffer the misery of the world with only each other to lean on.

Thinking of you Mom, Anette, Roger, Tyler, Dave, Satara and Evan, our lives have been ripped to shreds despite our non deservingness of it all…….Love you all and I think of you all day, every day, and my heart just won’t mend.

Things have got to get better, or I might just extinguish, just poof, what little light is left gone. I just keep saying it will get better, That is what keeps me going. Bring on the babies.. Does this make me bi polar, sometimes I feel bi polar.

 

Autopsy Findings

So we got the initial results back, still going to be a while for the final report.

What they have found so far is…

Evan was perfect, in every way, there was nothing at all wrong with him that the coroner could find. He noted the cause of death as Post Term Fetal Demise or Postmaturity Syndrome. Here is an excerpt from a medical journal, cause who can say it better.

” Postmaturity Syndrome refers to a fetus whose growth in the uterus has been restricted, usually due to a problem with delivery of blood to the fetus through the placenta. This puts the fetus at increased risk for umbilical cord compression, problems after birth such as breathing problems, and long-term neurologic problems.

They feel my dates were off, so I was over 42 weeks along, and that he was find right up until a couple of days before delivery, at which point the placenta stopped nourishing him, and he started to slow down and lose weight. They say there were several things noticed that led them to this conclusion.  “Postterm infants have a distinctive appearance. The arms and legs may be long and thin. The skin may appear dry and parchment-like, with peeling and sometimes meconium staining. The skin may appear loose, especially over the thighs and buttocks. Scalp hair may be longer or thicker, and the fingernails and toenails may be long.” Evan had all of the above minus the loose skin.

In myself, I tested positive for 2 blood clotting antibodies, so they have done more blood work on me to see if it is still showing up, or if it was just from the trauma in delivery, which they said can happen. They did not however, find a blood clot, or link a blood clot to his death at this time.

I feel good in knowing I am perfectly capable of producing a beautiful healthy baby, I feel sad knowing that if I would not have faught off the induction the babe would be here with me, healthy. I can however, understand and forgive myself in the knowledge that I did what I thought was best for him at that time, I was a first time mom, and I assumed that if there was a medical emergency, the Doctors would have told me.

 

Cord

The Cord
We are connected
My child and I, by
An invisible cord
Not seen by the eye.

Its not like the cord
That connects us at birth.
This cord can’t be seen
By any on earth.

This cord does its work
right from the start.
It binds us together
Attached to my heart.

I know that it’s there
Though no one can see
This invisible cord
From my child to me.

The strength of this cord
It’s hard to describe
It can’t be destroyed
It can’t be denied.

It’s stronger then any cord
Man could create.
It withstands the test
Can hold any weight.

And though you are gone
And your not here with me
The cord is still there
But no one can see.
It pulls at my heart
I am bruised, I am sore.
But this cord is my lifeline
As never before.

I’m thankful that God
Connects us this way
A mother and child
Death can’t take it away!

 

This lonely place…

Found out today Dave’s sister is pregnant again, sigh! So many people having babies all around me, I am talking in the 2o’s of people just in my family and friends circle. It crushes my heart more and more, sometimes it just feels like I am the only one who doesn’t actually get a baby in the end. I know that is not the case, I met lotsa momma’s online, but I am the only one in my extended, in person circle, and that feels very alone.

We started a loss support group at the IWK, we met another couple who’s died in womb at full term. I don’t know their whole story yet, will find out Wednesday, oh its so sad, that momma was like me, crying to hard to talk about him, the dad’s had to do the talking, imagine how hard it will be Wednesday when we tell our whole story. *Bawl* Thinking of Evan so much these days, we are spending so much time outside enjoying the sun and spring and he was supposed to be with us, like all the other parents with their babies, in his snugglie on my chest, walking outside. I miss him so much, these unfulfilled pre-memories just kill me inside.

 

Just an update…

Ended up ovulating the day after I wrote the last post, and am now on my second period since little Evan passed away. *Bawl* I miss Evan, miss you sooooooooooo much little one.

So much sad. Sad won’t stop.

We had our first appointment with the reproductive mental health clinic I waited 3 months to get..they basically told me I am doing very well and they don’t feel they will be of much use to me, as I am mourning in a healthy way. As they say, only time can heal my wounds, not therapy…..and so they reffered me for grief counselling and the loss support group.  Not crazy enough for therapy girl..I must be so strong, oh my! Whatever, I don’t freaking want to be strong, I am sick of being strong, I am sick of being dealt bullshit hand after bullshit hand. I just want my baby back please.

Learning to drive is hard and stressful, having your husband as your teacher is not an easy feat either, but I am getting a bit better each time. I am so scared and fearful.