Health..

It has been confirmed…I have this

I show no signs of Lupus, so that is good, I likely don’t have it. 90% of people with the Anticoagulant don’t have full blown lupus.
However I will have to take Heparin Shots throughout my entire next pregnancy and for 6 weeks post partum just to be safe.

The Irony here is that…
A) This typically causes repeat miscarriages, of which I have never had one. I have had one pregnancy only, Evan, he died in early labor after 42 weeks and 3 days of good flawless health.
B) A blood clot was not found in the autopsy, and has been linked to the death of my son. This is just a precautionary treatment because I tested positive for the anticoagulant 2x. She said in this case there is no just over or just under norm. There is only negative or positive. I appreciate her taking two Fu$#*ng months to tell me this. Said she was sorry, she was out of the office. Bleep my Bleep. That is all I have to say about that. She told in early May she would get the results back in a week or so, and if I didn’t hear from her, assume it’s negative.
She called me on Friday to tell me this…Sometimes I hate all medical professionals. I will not be working with this lady in pregnancy, I need someone who will be willing to call me back right away to ease my mind or I will loose my mind. I wanted to stomp her with my new size 7 foot. (I was a 5.5 before pregnancy).

 

Stillbirth Research and Support

Stillbirth Research
http://www.missingangelsbill.org/news/20

031113.html
http://www.growthhouse.org/natal.html
http://www.stillbirthalliance.org/
http://www.preginst.com/

Supporting and Greiving
http://www.cps.ca/english/statements/FN/fn01-02.htm
http://www.aplacetoremember.com/greshome.html
http://www.forgottengrief.com/
http://www.stillbirthsupport.org/
http://www.mothersofangels.ca/
http://www.missfoundation.org/
http://www.projectflutter.com/

Baby After
http://bellybelly.com.au/forums/ttc-after-late-loss-recurrent-miscarriage-stillbirth/45497-ttc-after-recurrent-miscarriage-stillbirth-late-loss.html#post899530
http://www.babykick.com/Product.html

 

Autopsy Findings

So we got the initial results back, still going to be a while for the final report.

What they have found so far is…

Evan was perfect, in every way, there was nothing at all wrong with him that the coroner could find. He noted the cause of death as Post Term Fetal Demise or Postmaturity Syndrome. Here is an excerpt from a medical journal, cause who can say it better.

” Postmaturity Syndrome refers to a fetus whose growth in the uterus has been restricted, usually due to a problem with delivery of blood to the fetus through the placenta. This puts the fetus at increased risk for umbilical cord compression, problems after birth such as breathing problems, and long-term neurologic problems.

They feel my dates were off, so I was over 42 weeks along, and that he was find right up until a couple of days before delivery, at which point the placenta stopped nourishing him, and he started to slow down and lose weight. They say there were several things noticed that led them to this conclusion.  “Postterm infants have a distinctive appearance. The arms and legs may be long and thin. The skin may appear dry and parchment-like, with peeling and sometimes meconium staining. The skin may appear loose, especially over the thighs and buttocks. Scalp hair may be longer or thicker, and the fingernails and toenails may be long.” Evan had all of the above minus the loose skin.

In myself, I tested positive for 2 blood clotting antibodies, so they have done more blood work on me to see if it is still showing up, or if it was just from the trauma in delivery, which they said can happen. They did not however, find a blood clot, or link a blood clot to his death at this time.

I feel good in knowing I am perfectly capable of producing a beautiful healthy baby, I feel sad knowing that if I would not have faught off the induction the babe would be here with me, healthy. I can however, understand and forgive myself in the knowledge that I did what I thought was best for him at that time, I was a first time mom, and I assumed that if there was a medical emergency, the Doctors would have told me.

 

Cord

The Cord
We are connected
My child and I, by
An invisible cord
Not seen by the eye.

Its not like the cord
That connects us at birth.
This cord can’t be seen
By any on earth.

This cord does its work
right from the start.
It binds us together
Attached to my heart.

I know that it’s there
Though no one can see
This invisible cord
From my child to me.

The strength of this cord
It’s hard to describe
It can’t be destroyed
It can’t be denied.

It’s stronger then any cord
Man could create.
It withstands the test
Can hold any weight.

And though you are gone
And your not here with me
The cord is still there
But no one can see.
It pulls at my heart
I am bruised, I am sore.
But this cord is my lifeline
As never before.

I’m thankful that God
Connects us this way
A mother and child
Death can’t take it away!

 

This lonely place…

Found out today Dave’s sister is pregnant again, sigh! So many people having babies all around me, I am talking in the 2o’s of people just in my family and friends circle. It crushes my heart more and more, sometimes it just feels like I am the only one who doesn’t actually get a baby in the end. I know that is not the case, I met lotsa momma’s online, but I am the only one in my extended, in person circle, and that feels very alone.

We started a loss support group at the IWK, we met another couple who’s died in womb at full term. I don’t know their whole story yet, will find out Wednesday, oh its so sad, that momma was like me, crying to hard to talk about him, the dad’s had to do the talking, imagine how hard it will be Wednesday when we tell our whole story. *Bawl* Thinking of Evan so much these days, we are spending so much time outside enjoying the sun and spring and he was supposed to be with us, like all the other parents with their babies, in his snugglie on my chest, walking outside. I miss him so much, these unfulfilled pre-memories just kill me inside.