June 29, 2008
http://www.protectyourpregnancy.com/
http://www.stillbirthsupport.org/ (Australian but still interesting facts wise)
http://www.stillbirthalliance.org
http://www.nationalreviewofmedicine.com/issue/2007/04_30/4_patients_practice05_8.html
That’s all for now more to come with time.
June 29, 2008
For the first few month’s Evan died, I never had nightmares or insomnia, this kinda surprised me. As time passed the nightmares slowly started. Its been 6 months now and the nightmares are getting really raw.
Last night I dreamt that Dave was having an affair and I knew it, and I confronted him on it and he admited it, and I told him I was leaving him, and how could he knowing how much trauma I have been through. I remember falling to the ground, not crying, just numb and saying I suppose I don’t blame you, you should be with a women who can give you living children, why should we both suffer because of my body’s incompetance. I remember I felt despretly alone and like I just wanted to die aleady. I felt depretly sad and alone.
and I guess that about sums it up, I feel like half the women I used to be and I am secretly afraid Dave will leave me too and find someone who can give him living children. He laughed at me when I told him, I however have been sad all day. I wish this was not my life.
I had a wing a workshop in this headspace. Good thing I have lot’s of practice.
I so hope I am able to have more children, children born pink and screaming and healthy. My heart needs it.
April 29, 2008
Beltane is the day after tomorrow, used to be a major sabbat for me, I used to look forward to it all year as the time to celebrate the awakening of the earth. Back in Toronto we used to wake up before the sun and make our way to High Park to watch the Morris Dancer’s dance up the sun, then we would all go for a big greasy breakfast followed by a lovely afternoon nap. Since Evan died, my faith in God and my desire to do anything remotely spiritual has just died off, I am so hurt and devastated and bitter that it makes it hard for me to feel ok with his death, or ok with the God’s decision to do this to me. It’s hard, when I see the buds on the tree’s about to pop open with life, I just think of my own empty womb and deceased son. I miss him so much it hurts.
Oh well, Beltane falls on a Thursday this year anyways and I will be facilitating a workshop from 9am-4pm that day so I couldn’t the dancers and breakfast thing anyhow. I don’t think we even have Morris dancers here in Halifax which is ironic being the size of the British and Celtic population.
March 22, 2008
have absolutly no clue what is happening with my menstral cycle, I started using Fertility Friend again just to keep track and use for birth control right now. I started charting as soon as I got my period while in Cuba, it has been 22 days since then and no sign of ovulation yet. Temperature all over the map. My CM changes throughout the cycle, although no sign of EWCM yet either..Before Evan I used to ovulate between days 19-21. I expect it will take a few cycles to get everything back on track but I am just keeping and eye for now. Not considering trying to conceive until mid-late summer anyhow so no real rush. Side’s we still dont know a damn thing about Evan’s cause of death. sigh!!
March 14, 2008
Oh the dreams. Somehow at 2.5 months after my little Evan was born asleep the dreams are only now starting to trickle in, guess it took my brain this long to process the horror of it. Last night my own dead daddy was in my dream at Evan’s funeral, I even said to him, ” You can’t be here, you died, I was at your funeral”. Of course he can, just not his physical self. I hope my daddy is taking care of my son on the other side. I cried a lot today.
I miss you so much baby. Wish I knew what had happened, still no answers. A dear friend is being induced on Wednesday for her first baby, I can’t help but feel sad at my own lack of an infant.
