It has been confirmed…I have this

I show no signs of Lupus, so that is good, I likely don’t have it. 90% of people with the Anticoagulant don’t have full blown lupus.
However I will have to take Heparin Shots throughout my entire next pregnancy and for 6 weeks post partum just to be safe.

The Irony here is that…
A) This typically causes repeat miscarriages, of which I have never had one. I have had one pregnancy only, Evan, he died in early labor after 42 weeks and 3 days of good flawless health.
B) A blood clot was not found in the autopsy, and has been linked to the death of my son. This is just a precautionary treatment because I tested positive for the anticoagulant 2x. She said in this case there is no just over or just under norm. There is only negative or positive. I appreciate her taking two Fu$#*ng months to tell me this. Said she was sorry, she was out of the office. Bleep my Bleep. That is all I have to say about that. She told in early May she would get the results back in a week or so, and if I didn’t hear from her, assume it’s negative.
She called me on Friday to tell me this…Sometimes I hate all medical professionals. I will not be working with this lady in pregnancy, I need someone who will be willing to call me back right away to ease my mind or I will loose my mind. I wanted to stomp her with my new size 7 foot. (I was a 5.5 before pregnancy).

http://www.protectyourpregnancy.com/

http://www.stillnomore.org/

http://www.stillbirthsupport.org/ (Australian but still interesting facts wise)

http://www.stillbirthalliance.org

http://www.nationalreviewofmedicine.com/issue/2007/04_30/4_patients_practice05_8.html

That’s all for now more to come with time.

For the first few month’s Evan died, I never had nightmares or insomnia, this kinda surprised me. As time passed the nightmares slowly started. Its been 6 months now and the nightmares are getting really raw.
Last night I dreamt that Dave was having an affair and I knew it, and I confronted him on it and he admited it, and I told him I was leaving him, and how could he knowing how much trauma I have been through. I remember falling to the ground, not crying, just numb and saying I suppose I don’t blame you, you should be with a women who can give you living children, why should we both suffer because of my body’s incompetance. I remember I felt despretly alone and like I just wanted to die aleady. I felt depretly sad and alone.

and I guess that about sums it up, I feel like half the women I used to be and I am secretly afraid Dave will leave me too and find someone who can give him living children. He laughed at me when I told him, I however have been sad all day. I wish this was not my life.

I had a wing a workshop in this headspace. Good thing I have lot’s of practice.
I so hope I am able to have more children, children born pink and screaming and healthy. My heart needs it.

My momma went to see a local psychic lady tonight, she had heard from co-workers that this lady was amazing. The first thing the lady said to her, before she said a word was your daughter is going to be fine. She is going to have another baby and both of them will be fine. My mom said she was taken aback because she does not know this lady and did not mention me at all. She then went on to get my mom’s entire current reality down pat, right down to saying my Step Dad ( I call him my dad, cause he has been my entire life, my biological dad was absentee and died several years ago). who just left her high and dry, is very depressed, he knows he made the wrong decision but he also knows he can’t go back and he can’t find happiness anywhere. That the new guy courting my mom is madly in love with her and intends to stick around for the long haul. Also that my mom is a very sad and lonely women in her core, that she feels so alone in the world and that she can’t rely on anyone but herself. (It’s true, she has had it worse then me I think, or at least equals in the bad things magnet department) She is the sweetest most caring person I know, she is beautiful, she deserves to be loved, but she keeps being betrayed. My dad left her with two small kids when we were 2 and 4, then she met my stepdad when I was 6, 6 years later then I was 12 they got married, 20 years later he leaves her for another women. A women who’s only flaw is being to good to her men, putting her own needs and wants in second place. The new guy I approve of, he is very caring and sweet to her, it’s about time, she has earned it.

My whole damn family deserved a turn of good karma. We tragic few, betrayed by the world, our innocence ripped away, we suffer the misery of the world with only each other to lean on.

Thinking of you Mom, Anette, Roger, Tyler, Dave, Satara and Evan, our lives have been ripped to shreds despite our non deservingness of it all…….Love you all and I think of you all day, every day, and my heart just won’t mend.

Things have got to get better, or I might just extinguish, just poof, what little light is left gone. I just keep saying it will get better, That is what keeps me going. Bring on the babies.. Does this make me bi polar, sometimes I feel bi polar.

Stillbirth Research
http://www.missingangelsbill.org/news/20